Opening Up

19 10 2010


Opening up
. Sometimes I fear where I’m heading. This ‘building up walls’ nonsense… scares me, and helps me. It’s one of those cross road things. I feel that I am very emotionally.. closed.. and while it’s good because it helps me become stronger, less immune to emotional pains, and overall more confident… it also scare’s me how little things matter to me sometimes. I’ve seen people get really emotionally pent of over things, and I just go.. “whatever” before finally getting a chill up my spine.. and I wonder “what the hell is wrong with me!” It’s not even a question.. it’s more a statement.

I am emotinally closed that’s for sure. I know it. People tend to learn it eventually. There’s a reason thing’s don’t work out in life. But I tend to shrug things off rather than trying to feel them. Sometimes cracks to appear.. and thing’s that shouldn’t even ‘touch’ me emotionally, end up having a slightly stronger than expected emotion on me than I would expect. And I don’t like that. Nor do I hate it.. which frustrates me. I feel the crack’s appear.. when I try to cram too much inside. It’s like trying to stuff your cupboard with too many thing’s and it eventually break’s open? Yea.. that’s what it feel’s like. I feel I’m trying to be too much like a robot sometimes, cold and distant.. while at the same time vulnerable. I want to feel, but as with everyone else.. I’m afraid of getting hurt.. which is why I never fully have open myself up. It always end up the same anyways – in dissapointment.

I need something.. to to change that for me. Because I “feel” less and less. But I also “feel” more and more. That cannot be good for my heart.. or mind. I can’t stay closed up for ever… it’s already made me worse than I should be. Something need’s to change.. but I wouldn’t know where to begin.

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2 responses

19 10 2010
inidna

hmm… i think it’s a slow learning process jubba. like you said, we are all afraid to get hurt, but i think the more we try to keep ourselves from getting hurt by keeping our emotions on lock down, the more ‘ugly’ it’s going to be when that dam breaks. i think … just because you don’t want to open yourself up in fear of hurt, doesn’t mean you can’t open yourself up at all. it’s more a matter of … adjustment? with emotions i don’t think it’s something you can jump into straight away (because that would just be stupid) but you have to … little by little let yourself feel. you know? baby steps!

21 10 2010
a well wisher

lil dear one..you’ll find your way. 🙂

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